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ursilentsingr in help_them_heal

Late Introductions

I've been a member of this group for quite sometime. I've been abused and I joined this group in an attempt not only to help my friends that have been abused cope with it, but also to get more insight into how to help my now ex-boyfriend cope with me. There's not much to my story in the sense that I'd rather not elaborate at the moment as to my own personal experience. 

It's been a while since it happened.. I was about 8 or 9 years old and I just turned 22. However, I did grow up in an abusive household. Physical and drug abuse was apart of my family's daily life, but I thought that I had pretty much dealt with all of that and the wounds were just scars. Then I fell in love and the very thought of becoming physical with my boyfriend made me almost sick to my stomach. I'm a virgin and I made that choice because ultimately, I was very, very afraid of intimacy with a man.  I thought that maybe by this time, since we loved each other, I could give myself finally to someone, but I have not been successful. He was so good to me in many ways and I never felt pressured. In fact, we had to break up and that was one of the main points. I couldn't free myself enough and I felt like he never really understood what I was going through. I felt helpless tin my attempts to change myself. 

So where do I go now? I don't feel like I'm ready for that wonderful, long-lasting relationship that I've craved for so long. I still feel incredibly inadequate. I thought I'd healed myself. Is it always going to be this kind of process? Will I ever free myself and be able to live a normal life of intimacy?

Comments

Why not? On the first try, I'd be surprised if you pulled it off.

You can live, darlin, I promise you. There's just a difference between healing and just stuffing something down low enough it doesn't hurt much.

It's okay to be scared of it; hell, I've had a pretty normal life, and I'm still scared of it sometimes. But if you go through what bothers you, really go the lengths to understand it, and share it with whoever it is you're dating without fear, that's what real healing is.

Welcome, good to meet you.

--Mac
Thanks for the welcome and the kind words. :)
I think you'll definitely free yourself and you have to be gentle with yourself and understand that it will take as long as it takes for you to recover.

One important reminder, though: it is not your job to make yourself acceptable for other people. It is their job to accept you in lve as is, as much as they can. If you recover, it should only be for you. ♥ After that, the intimacy will come when it comes, and with a patient and loving partner it doesn't even have to be an issue.

To help some, maybe think of how far you HAVE come and what little things HAVE changed. You've probably progressed in ways you can't even imagine!

Welcome to our little crew. ♥
Thanks. I'm usually an incredibly optimistic person. I think that's part of what's gotten me so far. It was just a big let down to see such a great relationship pass because I haven't really dealt with things. I've always said that two complete people come together to make a wonderful relationship, not broken halves. I'm glad I've had this relationship because I noticed it.
Hi.

You're well on your way by acknowledging the damage done to your growth. It's not an easy or quick thing to fix, but it can be done. The most important thing is that you love yourself unconditionally and realize you are worth the efforts you need to heal.

You say you thought you healed yourself. Did you get there on your own, or did you have counselling? Have you been reading inspirational or self healing material? All of us need help getting there. It's not something we can do on our own. Trust me...I've lived a long time thinking I was okay, that I had come to grips with my childhood and other crap. Turns out I really hadn't - all I did was kind of bury the triggers. They are still there, and probably always will be, but I'm working now on recognizing the triggers and learning techniques to work around them and to build basic self esteem and a healthy positive outlook. I finally realized that I can't do this alone. My partner has told me that for decades, but I always thought I was special and smart and not so damaged. I'm glad I finally got REALLY smart and acknowledged that I'm in over my head and need a helping hand to help myself.
Don't fixate on the relationship or things you crave. Work on loving and healing yourself as best you can, knowing it's an ongoing process, and as you get more confident and stronger the other things will fall into place for you. You still have a wonderful life stretching out ahead of you. Don't despair. Normal is kind of an illusion, but you certainly can get to a place of better happiness and satisfaction. It does take work and growth though. Tackle it with positive enthusiasm and self-love. Good luck!
hope

December 2009

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