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The Fucking Champs

t_f_p in help_them_heal

anorexia-my version

I'm not going to lie or sugar coat anything in this post. Anorexia sucks and sometimes I feel like it's something that I can't control.

I remember a few yers ago when my grandfather told me that he thought that I had an eating disorder that nobody had diagnosed me with yet. I got pissed at this comment that he made, but I never told him. I thought he was attacking my veganism and it pisses me off when people say stupid shit about veganism.

but he was right. he was so right, and, like having a friend come out to you, looking back in the past a lot more things made more sense when I realized that I was, in fact, anorexic.

I think it all started around the time I enetered middle school. that was where I feel that my life took a turn for the worse. I had you typical shitty middle school experience, and I had a shitty homelife. I had no social life whatsoever at this point, so my life was basically shit, and the only thing I felt like I could control was food. my need for something to control in my life was just worsed by the fact that things just dissapeard from my room and the fact that I was abused by my stepfather in the seventh grade.

I think it started out very subcouncoiusly, but a huge chunk of my middle school memories were being miserable and being hungry come lunchtime.

It only got worse when I became politicized in high school. I hated the image of fat, dumb, and happy americans. and whenver I ate something outside of me being hungry, I retained this image and felt like I was one of these people. I would look at overwiehgt people and ask myself how they allowed themselves to become that way. I know I sure as hell didn't.

one summer when I went to visit my dad, I arrived home from visiting the cape, and everything had been taken out of my room except a matress, a sheet, and a pillow. that summer was some of the worst 2 months of my life. I felt like a fucking slave because I had to work in order to "earn" my stuff back.

my homelife at my mom's house just got worse as time went on, and I'll admit that I had some part in it. there was a time in 10th grade where going to school felt like going to hell and getting tortured for 6 hours straight. I couldn't stand it. I moved up to gainesville, and that turned out to be a mistake. my homelife in gainesville was pretty shitty, too-and again, I had some part in it. there were times where I wouldn't talk to my father for weeks at a time because we would get into an arguement whenever we spoke to each other.

after a semester at school in gainesville, I moved back to my mom's house, and finally got a job and started to meet some cool people. eventually, my homelife there went back to the way it always was, but at least now I had some friends that I could hang out with to escape it all.

after a while, I got a fixed-gear bike and rode with one of my best friends everywhere, all day, every day. this was when my anorexia was at it's worst. I was consuming relatively little food, and then expending all of that energy almost as soon it it was put into my body. my life at home just continued to get worse-eventually with me running away from home, and then getting kicked out a couple of times.

then, the realization happened. one of my friends on here made a post about how he realized he was anorexic and how he was diagnosed with it, and I had much of the same symptoms. It scared the shit out of me. I never told anybody-not even my closest friends-at the time.

when I told a friend of mine, she was shocked. "but you used to brag about how much you ate all of the time" I told her, yes, but there lots of times where I went hungry. I stumbled across a journal entry one time where I was really pissed at my parents, and I had hardly eaten anything the entire day.

I was convince that I wasn't anorexic, and as a result, I was able to convince others that I wasn't. once somebody convinces themselves something, there's practically no way that you can get them to think otherwise.

so, I gave up veganism temporarily in order to gain weight. I've gained about 7 or 8 pounds so far, and I look a lot healthier. but I still have times where I'm hungry and I don't want to eat. there have been times where I felt pissed at my family in gainesville and haven't eaten. sometimes I have to force myself to eat food, and afterwards, my stomach feels like shit.

food hasn't been "just food" to me for the longest time. it was always a means of control. my parents seem to have this, "why don't you just eat more?" attitude when it comes to my problem. I've told them that I wish it could be like that, but it's not. I can't "just eat more"

Comments

I'm sorry all that shit happened to you and anorexia is a result. It's very serious and very scary. I have an online friend who is on the verge of passing over to the other side (we won't let him go so hopefully he'll come back to us) who has battled anorexia all his life. It has affected his vital organs severely. It's so tough on your body, and damage done is hard to turn around, so I'm glad you've recognized it and are trying hard to get yourself off that wheel. I truly hope you can find your path to getting this monster under control and that food will sometime become something more pleasurable for you. You have a lot of stuff to deal with, so treat yourself well and work on learning to love all parts of yourself, especially seeing as others were too self-centered and fucked up to give you the love and respect you deserve.
hope

December 2009

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